David Whyte writes in his book “Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Relationship and Self” that we have these three commitments in our lives, not consecutive partners, but dedications to work, to primary relationships, and to our core self. And, Whyte suggests, “only by understanding the journey involved in each, and the stages of their maturation, can we understand how to bring them together in one fulfilled life.” The Third Marriage, is “perhaps the most difficult marriage of all.”
Whyte writes, this “third marriage beneath the two visible, all-too-public marriages of work and relationship—is the internal and often secret marriage to that tricky movable frontier called ourselves: the marriage to the one who keeps changing at the center of all the outer relationships while making promises it hopes to God it can keep. What is heartbreaking and difficult about this inner self that flirted, enticed, spent time with and eventually committed to a person or a career is that it is not a stationary entity; an immovable foundation; it moves and changes and surprises us as much as anything in the outer world to which it wants to commit.”
“In the midst of a seemingly endless life,” Whyte continues, “we can spend so much time attempting to put bread on the table or holding a relationship together that we often neglect the necessary internal skills which help us pursue, come to know, and then sustain a marriage with the person we find on the inside. Neglecting this internal marriage, we can easily make ourselves a hostage to the externals of work and the demands of relationship. We find ourselves unable to move in these outer marriages because we have no inner foundation from which to step out with a firm persuasion.”
Mindfulness practice is one way to help us develop these “necessary internal skills.” Over time and with regular practice, mindfulness strengthens the foundation from which we can “step out with firm persuasion.” Whether your practice is breath meditation, mindful movement, Lovingkindness or Metta, cultivating awareness of the senses, savoring a daily cup of tea with full awareness or cultivating internal space for difficult emotions, we can all build our ability to access inner peace in the midst of external demands. We can learn to offer compassion to our imperfect human-being selves when we’re having a hard time and to extend this generosity to others. This is a strong start to helping us “pursue, come to know, and then sustain a marriage with the person we find on the inside.”
I’m reminded too, in our courting the inner self, of the advice Julie Cameron gives in her book “The Artists Way”. Cameron advises us to make a date with ourselves weekly to get to know “that person in the inside” a little better, and celebrate the relationship by dedicating time for play and joy. Taking ourselves out to wander leisurely through a garden, take a photo walk, play some favorite music at the volume of choice, draw with crayons, or head to the art store or thrift store just to have some fun can light up the relationship we have with our inner self!
As we navigate through adulthood, we all encounter a storm or two or three. Changing jobs, relocating, empty nesting, retirement, sometimes divorce and sometimes illness, can be so challenging as they require us, sometimes with no advance notice, to recalibrate our lives. Having familiar practices, like mindfulness, and an established relationship with our inner self can help us navigate the journey with a steady hand and heart.
If you are interested in a regular mindfulness practice, please join me weekly for my live-on-Zoom guided mindfulness practice sessions. In a friendly small group setting, we practice and learn together. The sessions are offered freely, donations are accepted, and appreciated. Join me Mondays at 6:30pm EST for some easy movement to ease out of the day and 7pm EST for a 25 min guided meditation. Contact me for more information! And please feel free to share this with others who might be interested! 🙏
✨✨Namaste, Deb Cook ✨✨
Deb Cook’s Deep Peace Practice 